When the feelings gone and you can't go on,

Sunday, is a day I should mark somehow. The 1st of June.  

I had my second Cafe worship service, this time at Mold, and it was blinking hard work but utterly utterly worth every second. I'm going to be assessed on the service which is a little daunting. I loved the actors in the sketch I had written, they were perfect and I love all the young people we had there. 

But Sunday changed from a contented happy day to something, that a big part of me wants to put in a box and put on a shelf somewhere. 

I was a responder to a fatal road accident. 

I'm not putting any details down because that's unfair on others who were more involved and family's. 

But I feel very out of sorts. What I saw isn't leaving my mind any time soon. And part of me wants to not talk about it, but the other part of me does. 

I was calm there, as I normally am in a bad situation. But now I'm really not here at all. I feel like I'm still standing in the road looking and praying. Because I did pray while I was there several times. At certain points it's all I felt I could do as paramedics and other emergency service people got there. 

Help, until real trained people get there, then keep helping till they take over, then keep out of the way, unless they ask you to do something was how it worked. 

I want to know what I do now. I know the answer is carry on. Put it out of my mind but remember in case it happens again (I'm helpful at heart so if it did I would help again, but no one should have to face anything like that.)

I could have left. But for all of you who know me you know that's not me. 

Part of me wonders why I was supposed to be there. So many little things happened to get me there. 

First the service, I got asked if it would be okay for me to do (as it was first on the plan) and I said yes. I could have said no and gone with a friend to walk up Snowdon.  Secondly I forgot my wallet, so didn't fill up my car before heading home. (And I had a choice to go back and get it too) and thirdly the driver in front of me who was going slowly in a 60, if (s)he had carried on I would have turned down the normal way to avoid them, instead (s)he turned off, leaving me to go to that road. So it was my choice? Or at least fully directed for me to be there. 

So I don't normally end a blog with a prayer. But today I'm going to. 

Lord God, when life takes us down roads that are tough, please be with each of us. Please please keep all those involved so close to you that they can feel you next to them. And not just the family's but the people who responded whether from the public or emergency services. Please help all of those cope with their experience.

Through Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.