Fascination

“Both you and I know that the second he fired that gun she was dead.”

Max made to drop his gaze but then held it fast searching for the joke in Wades eyes as if this was just a prank he had been playing on him.

“There is nothing more they can do. There is nothing you can do. There’s nothing I can do. Okay?”

Max dropped his gaze and nodded.

“Okay…” Wade replied letting his hands fall to his sides off Max’s arms. He turned to the paramedic and whispered softly the words he didn’t want to hear.

“Call it.”

“Victoria Jade Edwards deceased Time of death April ninth, Two fifty three. A.M.…”

"I don't want to leave you like that" vixen said to the man who hadn't let go of her hand. 

It had been so strange, watching Wade let go but still having him there. She had stood up with him. Watched as the paramedics fought so hard to keep her alive. 

And he had kept hold of her hand, the whole time. 

"I'll be alright." The older wade said to her. 

"It'll take a little time, but I'll be alright."

The above is a chunk of a different side of something that I wrote a long time ago. Wade is a character I'm very much attached to. I know him well enough that sometimes he feels almost real. Vixen/Victoria however is one that I don't know too well. This part of Wades life is a huge part as is Vixen, i know he'd never let her go through something like this alone so that's why I thought I'd write it. 

'Vixen smiled slightly. 

"Your upset, don't be so..." a loud explosion cut her sentence short.

He hugged her tight. 

"I'd ask how your feeling but being dead and all it's a bit of a stupid question."

She watched for a few more minutes as the bloody mess of the man who shot her  was dragged out, and Max and wade were ushered into ambulances. 

"How come your here if your still alive?"

She asked him. 

He smiled his easy going smile, "once your dead, time doesn't bind you as much as it should. Besides you told me not to let go of your hand. What else was I supposed to do? I can't have you being dead all on your own, you'd be scared. So after I died, I came back to make sure someone was here for you."

He squeezed her hand,

"Come on," he grinned. "I've got so many places I want to show you."

She looked at him studying all the lines and wrinkles on his face, looking at the silver hairs scattered into his dark hair. He hadn't had enough time to grow really old. She could see a scar through his shirt, one long cut downwards that looked like it had hurt. 

"Is that what killed you?" She asked undoing the button that was fastened to cover it and gently running a finger down it.

Smiling again he shook his head. "What are you like, back with me for less than an hour and already your undoing my shirt."

"How did you die?" She asked. 

His eyes turned so sad that immediately she regretted asking. He didn't answer, but looked towards where his younger self was waiting in the ambulance, a silver blanket wrapped round him and a face void of any expression.'

Having the same two people in the same scene was a little strange, older and younger versions one who knows exactly what's going on and one in deep deep shock, but it felt like it worked. I tried to capture the dynamic of the relationship between the two. The playfulness and the caring nature of both of them towards each other and others. I felt that maybe Vixen should have cared more about Max, but being newly dead I guess things are a bit strange and Wades there to help keep her grounded. The passage moves off focus to wade realising what he's lost. But really it's a mirror to how vixen is also feeling. Empty  and not sure how to survive any more but while she has an older wade to guide her wade doesn't have anyone with him. I think her reluctance to leave him shows her feelings as much as the older wade being there. 

His younger self was in deep shock. Not a single word was going in as the paramedic looked him over, told him not to drink of gamble, or a thousand other things. When the paramedic said he was alright medically, it was Switch who guided him to the long black car he had come in. He sat behind Jaz who drove as Switch turned in his seat wondering when Wade would show any sign of grief. Max was crying. Tears ran in small rivulets down his face leaving tracks in the dust and blood. He kept his face turned away from Wade half ashamed of his tears half scared of his quiet companion.  Both men were covered in blood.  He watched his younger self reach out and place a hand on Max's back. 

 Heard him tell Max, it was alright to be upset, it was okay.  He couldn't remember talking to him afterwards. He couldn't remember how he tried his best to comfort him, he couldn't remember pushing all he was feeling down, away, out, until all that was left was calmness, and a feeling like he had taken off a heavy load. When they got back to the ASA he saw the faces. Sorrowful, upset, slightly angry then looking at him scared. 

Greif can affect people in many different ways. So in trying to understand I think you have to look at how people deal with it. Sometimes people cry and they can't stop. But sometimes people push everything away. 

Switch, had clearly thought about Wades actions more than Wade had. He found his motorcycle keys and helmet missing and the number for a cab company on his desk and on his sofa.

The one thing he hadn't managed to get was Wades car keys.

They had followed, so silently, almost like the memories of it all had dragged them along. 

The older wade squeezed vixens hand. 'You don't want to see all this' he said as his younger self drove away, not wearing his seat belt and still covered in her blood. 

'Let me take you to the place it all started to get fixed?

I wish I'd known about it sooner.' He started to guide her to the right, but they both glided  left after the car. 

'Toria..' He whispered. Not wanting her to see. 

'You're not alright Wade. And I'm not leaving you like this.'  There wasn't much wade could do except follow. 

'You're driving like an idiot,' she said to the older wade. 'What if you crash?' She asked him. 

'I do' he said softly. And vixen looked at him shocked. 

"You want to follow me then fine," he said calmly, "but your not going to like what you see. I crash into another car, because I miss the bridge." 

"You miss the bridge?!" She said angrily. "What do you mean you miss the bridge???" 

The car on car metal and scraping sound made her look. 

The tall angry man she hadn't got to meet stood up and moved out of his car. 

"You idiot! Look at this damage!.. Wade? Is that you?"

"He knows you?" Vixen asked. 

"Fortunately yes," wade whispered back, "If your going to watch my whole life it's going to take a while vix"

Of course sometimes you choose to try and do something silly, something that feels right at the time. And sometimes you can feel like you have nothing left. 

But hopefully if you are struggling there will be someone around who cares. Someone who will start to make things feel a little better. 

After loosing someone it does take a time to feel better. So if your struggling please please do take the time to cry, (if it helps) if not try to so something you love. 

There are lots of people out there who love you. 

If you know someone who is struggling, please understand that it will take time and they might not be there usual selves for a while. Stick with them. Even if they don't want to talk just be there. I'm sure that it will help. And if they ask for space give it them, but be available just in case.  

I'm not sure why I wrote this blog. But there you go. 

Stay safe! God bless you. XxX