I haven't posted for a while, so I thought I'd open up a fresh blog and see what happend when I started to type. Maybe that's a little dangerous! So I got back last night from a trip to see my friends in bury St Edmunds. We giggled and laughter a lot (owing a little to good friendship, and my first drink in... Four? Five years?) I mainly have a good time when I go to see them and its not too often that I'm glad to get home.
Today is my third local preachers meeting. Which means that I've been on note for six months. I find this scary but at the same time exciting. I'm still really finding out who exactly I am! It's been a journey over the last half a year or more, and I'm learning that life experiences definately shape who you are. I've noticed I'm a little more tightly strung recently. I cry a lot more and I miss people a lot more. But I laugh harder and think more too.
Partly what I like about going away is that my pace of life increases, I have people around me to motivate me and make me move. (I didn't get up till gone 10 this morning, but I was tired from traveling) I walk at a different pace when I'm in BSE, and yes I don't have any responcerbilities except to look after the people I am with and gently advise them.
That part is one of the parts I have a love hate relationship with. I love helping people, I love the fact that I am easy to approach and talk to. I hate the fact that I have to pass on opinions, and that people's problems become mine. I cannot listen help then move on. And sometimes I have what I think would be a solution, but people don't have the time or energy to carry it out. I am slowly slowly learning to put down the problems people give me at Jesus feet. And more importantly I am making sure I leave them there, instead of sneaking back, (normally at four in the morning or there abouts, and re visiting the problems stacking them again in my arms)
I don't like coming home. I feel unmotivated for the first few days, and them family life filters in. I think it would be worse if I was completely alone though.
At the service on Sunday, the verses that hit me were :-
We must not become tired of doing good. We will receive our harvest of eternal life at the right time if we do not give up. When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers. (Galatians 6:9, 10 NCV)
And it hit me. I am oh so tired. I'm not sure what exactly to do about that, my friend told me to pray. It's advice I've been giving people for years. Tell God what's troubling you, ask for his help. And yet I feel so selfish asking for things for me. I remember writing in high school that I was 99.5% everyone else's problems, I was tired then and I've only had a short sleep between then and now. My trips away are my miniature snoozes. That moment when your by a river that's gently flowing, the sunshine is on your face and your dont have to go anywhere at all. Somedays I want to live like that, but if I did I wouldn't make a difference.
God calls people to not tire, to not give up. I love seeing what he helps me do, I love seeing the end result when people can have time to sit in the sun away from problems that no longer exist because of what God has done through me.
So please God. If you've got a coffee going spare, could I have a sip? I need to wake up for you.
