Doesn't mean i haven't typed anything! I've been away for a little while but I've had a lot of busy tough days some happy some sad, here is something I bashed out on a sad night, but it was all perfectly alright in the morning.
'Sometimes days can go well, weeks can go well and years an go well. Other times the total reverse Is true.
In my nan's only calendars, she used to write on the Good Year or Bad Year normally according to the tragedies that had happened. If a lot of close friends had passed away it would more than often be classed as a bad year but if a lot of people had been born or wedded then it would be good. But just as one bad day doesn't make a bad week, one bad event doesn't make a bad year.
Today, my nan would class as a bad day. It's been full of memories and Ghosts from my past. It's been a awful day. But really it could have been worse.
Yesterday too would have been classed as a not so brilliant day, but does that mean I am having a bad week?
Some people think that there is a natural balance in the world, karma. That good things happen if you do good and bad things happen if you do bad, maybe not immediately but at some point in your life. So what about people who do bad things all there lives and get great things? Or people who do good and get nothing but bad?
Sometime life is life and whatever way you slice it things just happen.
So back to today and yesterday. Today Louise's uncle has fallen ill (we now know with a possible urine infection) this morning was scary. It reminded me of when my mum as ill, it reminded me of all the things I can't control, but most of all it reminded me of the way I used to look after my nan. The Lord God knows I miss her.
I've blogged before about my nan. And it's been over a year since she left. There were happy times yes but I know that looking after someone who maybe is old and can't do all the things they used to is frustrating. So what do you do when it's not your relative?
Louise's uncle isn't my uncle. He would probably be more embarrassed by my help than by Mary his sister in laws Louise's, or even Robs.
I am not a total stranger, but I am not a close friend either. So how come when it comes to helping people like that or people in general I can normally come to a good healthy outcome?
Care for others is a service, you have to completely forget about yourself and how tired you are, how hungry you are or how ill you might be. And focus on the other person completely.
Caring for others is tiering, rewarding and heartbreaking.
I don't have anyone to share this with. I don't have a partner a boyfriend or a husband. And today I find yell needing one. Tonight I am going to hug a pillow instead of an arm. Tonight I will cry and hurt because I was scared today, I was scared last night.
What I have is God.
This should be enough.
Some nights it's not, those nights will be tonight.
So why on a night when all this can be avoided all this can be one existent do I find my two best friends arguing, yes they are tired. Yes they may well be upset, and yes that's the way they are. But is makes me feel so much worse.
I couldn't lie in a bed with someone becide me that I could hug and have them turn from me because I said something spiteful.
I'd rather be in an empty bed with no one to hug.
But what if I can't see that I was saying something nasty, what if that's the way I am and I think there being childish? What if they are being childish?!
What if the person I'm with is just as frayed and just as battered as I am?
