Happy Christmas.

So it's that time of the year again and it's getting close to another day. 

Maybe you've opened all your gifts, (if you had any!) and maybe you've fallen to sleep in front of the telly. 

Whatever's happened to you today I hope it's been a good day. 

Christmas started for me this time yesterday when shuffling through my Facebook feed I hit upon something and I started to cry. (Emotional lows heading to a blog near you!)  I was a bit sad but also suddenly happy. 

This is what I realised (it's a little bit obvious so please forgive me)

Those tiny baby hands.... They're going to grow. 

And they're going to have hard nails hit into them. Nails that aren't much bigger than the hands are now. And at the moment, while this tiny tiny baby is just a baby. No one knows here on earth what will happen thirty three years down the line. 

We had a four day old baby in church this morning, she was as good as gold, quiet and relaxed. After nearly everyone held her. I didn't want to. I was so scared I'd start to cry.  Instead I looked at her tiny little hands for a second. And then focused on her happy parents. 

I did cry today though. I was given a book by a relative and with it a beautiful carved book mark. (I will take a picture!)

The book mark is like a paperclip, but it has an elephant on. And with last nights realisation and Christmas in general. I couldn't stop crying.  What was worse was I had to (or felt I had to) explain why I was crying.

Once again I miss my nan. 

But this Christmas has been nice. And it's not quite over yet, as there are still people to see. 

I didn't give any presents this year, I didn't even write cards. So for all my friends I will get round to giving you something, (even if it's being quiet when you ask me to be!) just be aware it might be next November!

And even though it's only got half an hour to go, I'd like to say.

Happy Christmas. To all of you. 

I hope it was a good one. And if maybe like me it wasn't or you got upset. Here. Have this!(*HUG!*) it might not help, but there are many days yet to come. If your going up a tough steep hill, think of the view from the top! And the rush of running back down the other side. 

And to paraphrase tiny Tim 

God bless you, everyone. XxX 

My mum.

We fight, We yell.

We hug and love. 

We think the other is brilliant! 

We think the other is horrible! 

We look after the other, 

We couldn't care less about the other. We share clothes, 

We think what the other wears is silly. 

We talk, 

We ignore each other. 

We think the other is beautiful. 

We think the other is not pretty. 

We want the other to change.

We don't want the other to change a thing. 

But above all. 

Today my mum is 60!!!

I love her. I miss her when I'm not home. (At least a little bit!)

We have the same temper and the same sort of face. We have the same size feet. 

She annoys the life out of me sometimes but I wouldn't change her for anything. 

I love you mum. 

Happy birthday. 

Love Trish. XxX 

On trial. A.k.A. testing testing one, two,three

I have choice to make. It's a little bit silly but it could be vitally immportant. 

It's cinema club today my parents get to see a film with audio description for my mum. Most of the time I go too which is good as it's normally the latest films. 

Today is captain Philips. 

Part of me wants to go. The other half of me wants to stay and sort out more stuff for my service on Sunday night

It's my trial service. It's immportant. 

So while the house is quiet do I stay and work or do I go and watch a film I couldn't see without the cinema club. 

I made up my mind last night to stay. This morning i'm not so sure. I've got a lot on this week and could probably use the extra time. But it's something we all do as a family too. I'm probably going to stay. And I'll end up procrastinating. 

This week I have 

A hair cut (in twenty minutes)

Cinema club (Monday)

Contact club (Wednesday night)

And local preachers/worship leaders social. 

Church on Sunday morning and y7up then my trial service. 

It's six clear days away. And you might think I have lots of time add in a family who likes you to drive them

Places. (Because one can't see and some times neither can the other!) and my week gets full far too quickly. 

I also have a horrible cold. 

So that said. I'll stay home... But I want to go to see the film...

The spider.

A few nights ago, I let a spider live.
I don't particularly like spiders most days. But some days I am perfectly fine with them.
I walked I to the bathroom bare footed, and saw a spider, a quite big one, common house spider probably, they type most people have in their house over winter and give a name like Frank or Fred.

Anyone here a spider fan? 

Apparently you swallow at least eight while you sleep. (Can't remember where I heard that but still!)

Please keep warm in this cold weather. 

God bless you. XxX 

Nothing to say...

I haven't posted for a while, so I thought I'd open up a fresh blog and see what happend when I started to type. Maybe that's a little dangerous! So I got back last night from a trip to see my friends in bury St Edmunds. We giggled and laughter a lot (owing a little to good friendship, and my first drink in... Four? Five years?) I mainly have a good time when I go to see them and its not too often that I'm glad to get home.

Today is my third local preachers meeting. Which means that I've been on note for six months. I find this scary but at the same time exciting. I'm still really finding out who exactly I am! It's been a journey over the last half a year or more, and I'm learning that life experiences definately shape who you are. I've noticed I'm a little more tightly strung recently. I cry a lot more and I miss people a lot more. But I laugh harder and think more too.

Partly what I like about going away is that my pace of life increases, I have people around me to motivate me and make me move. (I didn't get up till gone 10 this morning, but I was tired from traveling) I walk at a different pace when I'm in BSE, and yes I don't have any responcerbilities except to look after the people I am with and gently advise them.
That part is one of the parts I have a love hate relationship with. I love helping people, I love the fact that I am easy to approach and talk to. I hate the fact that I have to pass on opinions, and that people's problems become mine. I cannot listen help then move on. And sometimes I have what I think would be a solution, but people don't have the time or energy to carry it out. I am slowly slowly learning to put down the problems people give me at Jesus feet. And more importantly I am making sure I leave them there, instead of sneaking back, (normally at four in the morning or there abouts, and re visiting the problems stacking them again in my arms)

I don't like coming home. I feel unmotivated for the first few days, and them family life filters in. I think it would be worse if I was completely alone though.

At the service on Sunday, the verses that hit me were :-

We must not become tired of doing good. We will receive our harvest of eternal life at the right time if we do not give up. When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers. (Galatians 6:9, 10 NCV)

And it hit me. I am oh so tired. I'm not sure what exactly to do about that, my friend told me to pray. It's advice I've been giving people for years. Tell God what's troubling you, ask for his help. And yet I feel so selfish asking for things for me. I remember writing in high school that I was 99.5% everyone else's problems, I was tired then and I've only had a short sleep between then and now. My trips away are my miniature snoozes.  That moment when your by a river that's gently flowing, the sunshine is on your face and your dont have to go anywhere at all. Somedays I want to live like that, but if I did I wouldn't make a difference.

God calls people to not tire, to not give up. I love seeing what he helps me do, I love seeing the end result when people can have time to  sit in the sun away from problems that no longer exist because of what God has done through me.

So please God. If you've got a coffee going spare, could I have a sip? I need to wake up for you.

Faith.

Not surprisingly writing sermons and prayers and taking services is hard. This is why local preachers have a time 'on note'. 

Now yes I've tipped my toes into the preaching pool and in my mind I'm not doing too badly. I'm sharing my faith more, which makes me feel great because its like introducing an awesome friend to people, yes sometimes you get a few strange looks but most of the time people are understanding and it leads to some great conversations.

But yes it's Thursday, and I'm writing a blog, which normally means I have something to say. As per usual it's a worry blog/ a self assuring blog. 

So as you might guess I'm stuck, the words for my sermon have stopped started and stopped again. My sermon is on faith and I'm trying to have faith that the words will come but it's scary. 

Yes it's short. But there you have it.  (Maybe more on Sunday night)

Trish. XxX

Ten days.

So this week has been busy and interesting. It's been hot and fiery, hot and sweaty and just hot really. I'm not complaining I like hot weather, even when I do get headaches.
My week started I'd say maybe last Monday (so a nine day week...) when I, after going over it a few times, finally sent my first sermon to a friend to read. I also had a hair cut and a phone call. The phone call was the hospital. There is something that does scare me and that is something that I have to go through every 3/5 years (stop moaning? I wish I could but I'm scared!!!) I'm feeling alright today and I go in tomorrow, tomorrow will be a day of drinking horrible stuff and then feeling awful but on Friday hopefully I can forget for a few more years and push all my fears deep down again and bury them for a while. (In the aim of keeping this post clean and not uncomfortable I'm not gonna say why I'm going in most of you know probably anyway!)
I've not been allowed to eat properly for the last day and tomorrow I'll not be able to eat a thing, (until I get home!) obviously the whole not eating normally didn't do me any favours yesterday but more in a minute!

So my sermon, my first and probably (okay definitely) not my last one. Letting it go was like breaking a favourite toy. Painful and sad, part of me wanted to keep in safe with me and not share it, but what is the point of writing a sermon if you can't share it!  I got brilliant feed back and told to send it to our mentor, she also gave me good feedback and three points to correct. Like any actor will know words when they are read are good and powerful, but the way you put life into anything is to speak them. A sermon, as we have learnt, is for speaking. Having some acting experience I know that the best way to get people to listen is to put life into what you are saying, I try to choose my words carefully, (even if I can't spell them write!) so yes I told. Simple story and stopped mid way. Story telling is something I've found I can do, luckily Jesus was a great teller of parables! So when Sunday came I was, yeas okay nervous, but on the whole I was calm. My sermon was linked with the Buckley jubilee, and part of it focused on the band and the big booming drum (I really do LOVE that drum!) so on Tuesday when I found I was walking next to the drummer near the end of the parade, I loved it!
Looking back on Sunday though I could have done better, but for a first try I did well. (Roll on my next one!)

Friday, I had a interesting trip to see some fire poi, fire staff And fire fan users. My friend was going alone so I went with her. I'm not normally into that type of thing but thinking of the experience and the fact that one day I might need it for a sermon! I went. It was fun! I met some lovely people and my friend Amy got to meet some too people who would happily help her when she wants to do slack lining (like tightrope walking only bouncy?! It's kinda in the name!) and one guy handed me a fire staff....

For those of you who don't know, my 'oh dear it's on fire' skills are very good, so much so that I managed to set my parents house on fire with a candle and a piece of tissue as I was about to sneeze, (think 'ah ah ah...(then instead of achoo) Aggghhhh, the tissues on fire!')

But! I didn't drop it! I didn't light anything around me or catch my hair, so it was a good night!

Tuesday jubilee! The first thing that happened was I nearly got mentioned as bistres youth leader by a photographer as I was chatting to a member of our youth group and the other youth leader. 'Nothing to do with me mate!' Even though they are a little are there all wonderful!
Then I met lots of my youth group, 'Nana trish!!!' 'NANA!!!!'  And then! I found my own church sadly due to people getting older we only had about seven or eight of us walking with me and Gareth holding the banner (it's heavy and I have a fantastic tan line where the strap was over my shoulder!)

So we walked! Marched, cheered smiled and generally caused the controlled wonderful chaos that is jubilee, and then people started to go home, four-ish churches behind us were the church with a lot of my youth group members in and as everyone else disappeared soon it was just me and Sylvia (another on note LP) then 'hey nana!'  I turned to find a small knot of my youth group with there church banner (I'd been relieved of my duty as the person who brought it wanted to stop walking) so for a little while we led the procession.I always feel so proud of the young people I know they're a credit to the churches they belong to and a credit to the youth group.  Two of them are at the big conference in London and have both addressed conference.anyway Then Sylvia and I left for jubilee tea.

I had been expecting not being able to eat anything, but I was hoping to have some jelly! But no, it wasn't the right colour.

So I think that's it.  God bless you all and please keep safe in this hot weather.

Just because I haven't posted.....

Doesn't mean i haven't typed anything! I've been away for a little while but I've had a lot of busy tough days some happy some sad, here is something I bashed out on a sad night, but it was all perfectly alright in the morning.

 'Sometimes days can go well, weeks can go well and years an go well. Other times the total reverse Is true. 

In my nan's only calendars, she used to write on the Good Year or Bad Year normally according to the tragedies that had happened. If a lot of close friends had passed away it would more than often be classed as a bad year but if a lot of people had been born or wedded then it would be good. But just as one bad day doesn't make a bad week, one bad event doesn't make a bad year.

Today, my nan would class as a bad day. It's been full of memories and Ghosts from my past. It's been a awful day. But really it could have been worse.

Yesterday too would have been classed as a not so brilliant day, but does that mean I am having a bad week? 

Some people think that there is a natural balance in the world, karma. That good things happen if you do good and bad things happen if you do bad, maybe not immediately but at some point in your life. So what about people who do bad things all there lives and get great things? Or people who do good and get nothing but bad? 

Sometime life is life and whatever way you slice it things just happen. 

So back to today and yesterday. Today Louise's uncle has fallen ill (we now know with a possible urine infection) this morning was scary. It reminded me of when my mum as ill, it reminded me of all the things I can't control, but most of all it reminded me of the way I used to look after my nan. The Lord God knows I miss her. 

I've blogged before about my nan. And it's been over a year since she left. There were happy times yes but I know that looking after someone who maybe is old and can't do all the things they used to is frustrating. So what do you do when it's not your relative?

Louise's uncle isn't my uncle. He would probably be more embarrassed by my help than by Mary his sister in laws Louise's, or even Robs. 

I am not a total stranger, but I am not a close friend either. So how come when it comes to helping people like that or people in general I can normally come to a good healthy outcome?

Care for others is a service, you have to completely forget about yourself and how tired you are, how hungry you are or how ill you might be. And focus on the other person completely. 

Caring for others is tiering, rewarding and heartbreaking.

I don't have anyone to share this with. I don't have a partner a boyfriend or a husband. And today I find yell needing one. Tonight I am going to hug a pillow instead of an arm. Tonight I will cry and hurt because I was scared today, I was scared last night.

What I have is God.

This should be enough.

Some nights it's not, those nights will be tonight. 

So why on a night when all this can be avoided all this can be one existent do I find my two best friends arguing, yes they are tired. Yes they may well be upset, and yes that's the way they are. But is makes me feel so much worse. 

I couldn't lie in a bed with someone becide me that I could hug and have them turn from me because I said something spiteful. 

I'd rather be in an empty bed with no one to hug. 

But what if I can't see that I was saying something nasty, what if that's the way I am and I think there being childish? What if they are being childish?! 

What if the person I'm with is just as frayed and just as battered as I am?

Fears of The Wolf

Hello! People of the blogosphere!

So I have exciting news! (Well it's exciting for me okay!!!!)

One of my best friends, has FINALLY read my book!

For those of you who don't know I have written a book.... I've written a book!

It's called Fears of the Wolf.  (I know it's an epic name!)

But ever since she stared reading it a remarkable thing happened or started happening, she passed it on. Now people at her work and church are reading it and in my mind its exploded. My big brother (who's not my brother really but might as well be! I'll explain this later!) was the first one to read it two years ago, and that gave me so much confidence. It's a long way to be published yet but it's strange to think I now have fans!  This is one of my biggest dreams so Rob? Louise? Really really thank you! You have no clue how happy you've made me :)

Okay less of the soppy stuff!

Local Preachers training update time!

After doing seven? weeks with my mentor and other On note LP it's going okay. We were snowed off on Palm Sunday which was disappointing as I really wanted to do the service, but we made up for it this Sunday.

I'm still nervous scared and panicky, along with doubtful shaky and then full of adrenaline. But after the service I normally feel better. I'm nothing like as scared of this as I was doing my driving test. What worries me the most however, is how I feel in-between everything. I feel nothing. Just sort of empty. And I don't know what that means or if its to do with something totally different.

But now we start working through our folder of Faith and worship sessions. I'm hoping by the end of the 'On Note' section I'll have an answer fixed firmly in my head and I'll know if I'm heading up the mountain or skirting off along the sides... Who knows!

I'm grateful for any advice or prayers.  And I will try and blog more! Maybe I should have taken up blogging everyday for lent! Right! Maybe that's what I'll do next year!

Time for a sleep!

God Bless you all. XxX

Love The Occasional Trish.

Nervous start

Okay so I got thinking the other night about how everything is going right now with local preaching and I meant to post it but didnt, so below is what I had written and even though I don't (always)think like that this is how I was feeling and thinking.

'It was simple when I was younger. I hadn't a clue where I was going and didn't worry about how I was going to live I just trusted I was on the right path. Now I know where I'm headed I'm scared. It appears  that somewhere along the path I've dropped my trust and started to panic instead. And now instead of standing on the waves I'm sinking. But why am I so worried when I've reached where I was heading. Shouldn't I be taking my saviours hand and saying 'okay that was a fun journey, all along the flats, thank you for leading me to the top of this little hill, ooh look at that mountain is that where were going? Brilliant you know the path well, I'll follow where you lead.' Instead I'm thinking of lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) and it's worrying me. Everything I've been shown in the flat has prepared me for the mountain and okay maybe I'll find myself skirting round the outside only going halfway up but if I do that it will be because I need to. Not coz I want to. I hope. 

I'm reminded of a event while on holiday, my friends mum was worried it was going to rain while we were on our way to a city I ( thought I) knew well. And I remember saying to her 'don't worry you see those mountains? The rain will be pulled towards them and we should stay dry.'

'Mountains don't do that!' She replied they live on a lovey flat plain. 

'I've lived round hills and mountains all my life I've seen it. Trust me, we'll stay dry.' 

And we did. So why can't I have that confidence here now. 

He'll not let me fall off the path, he'll guide me and be my light in the dark. So all I have to do is follow. It's a lot harder than it looks'

So there you have it.... Now lets head up that mountain! 

Long time no blogging/ my homework

I've been doing a worship leaders course this year, but at the same time our house has been getting redecorated so I haven't been able to post a blog post until now! So happy new year! Happy Chinese New Year and pancake day and valentines day! (And birthday if I missed it!)  below I have copied my homework for the fifth session we did on music. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing it! Oh and there will be Another post today as well! XxX

Write a description of each of the different ways you have experienced music in a variety of acts of worship over the last twelve months..How did each musical experience affect your mood? what impact did it have on you?

'I'm not one to put my hands up in the air and jump about bro, but I can't wait to see casting crowns at big church day out'
Now why did I say that? I was standing in a muddy field (or what I thought was muddy until August) in May 2012  my hands in the air leaping like a little fish praising and praying with every part of my soul. Yes it wasn't something I normally did, but this was my holiday, as I would be 'working' at Greenbelt. Yes it was raining so hard there was not a dry place on me and yes it was hard to see because my glasses were steaming up but had God looked down on that scene then and saw the packs of people leaping and praising his name his grin must have been from ear to ear.
'I thought you said you didn't normally put your hand up in the Air and jump about?' My big brother said a teasing smile playing on his lips.
'Lets get to the front' I replied 'crown is on in a bit and I want to see.' As with every concert tall  people kept blocking my view.

I felt alive. Wet. But warm (from all the jumping!) and happy which made a change from the other  part of the day when I had lost my autograph book. (A group of drummers had helped me not to feel so bad and Rob had said I would definitely  find it again. (Faith in him much stronger than mine at the time) we had found it just as rob had said 'you'll see you'll turn around and it will be right...' And there it was on a table almost as if it had been waiting for me.

The rain after the main acts had finished came down heavier, but I was determined to stay till the last light on the stage went out.
The rain turned icy as the tempo slowed and lightning flashed in the sky. One single spot light was left on stage, one Lone presenter. And we started to sing one song as one voice.
Amazing grace.
Tears and feelings almost indescribable to me pop up even when I think about it now but then, the feeling was electric. Tears mingled with the rain as I thought of the last time I had sung it with rob, it was one of his mums favourites. Chocked up I could hardly sing the descant so I didn't bother.  I closed my eyes and listened to the voices around me. It will stay with me always, that one moment. Part of me can't wait to go back the other part is praying hard for better weather when I do!

Then skip backward to February, when my year was starting to be one of the best I could imagine. 'You'll lead worship won't you trish?' And I'd said yes thinking only of the music.  Forty young people singing one of my favourite songs by hill song the words to going in a church I had only been in once, yes the microphone to start had made no difference to my tiny voice (lesson learnt use lapel mikes!) but the young people singing. The tune was simple and the words effective but this time I was leading people they were worshiping with me I was guiding them and even though my nervousness made me unable to feel anything when I lay ready to sleep from an exhausting day I was smiling still nervous somehow but happy I had done my best.

I feel at my best when I play my guitar, and when I sing I find it makes me feel happy when I'm sad or if I need to be to think about things sad when I'm happy, so when I found I was stuck for a song to play during a session at y7up I was surprised. Finding music that speaks isn't normally hard for me. But what I found at the 11th hour was challenging.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is keep your own emotions at bay as you sing 'by your side' by tenth avenue north had rang in my mind and reminded me that yes even if I felt alone and sad that God Jesus and the Holy Spirit were always with me, and I was loved. The song made my stomach feel tight and I felt lost in the words, finding myself somewhere else while playing would be easy, but instead I decided to try to BE someone else. There are times when you know who the song is supposed to be coming from. This time it was Jesus and God. in first person. I went somewhere else and let them play and sing it through me.

August saw green belt arrive. It saw me really quite unwell due to my colitis playing up, and low iron levels and tablets that made me feel terrible. The weather didn't help. It was less wet than BCDO but muddy and my worn down tiredness made it feel worse. So as it hammered down one day, 16 plus young people and a handful of leaders crammed themselves into a two man caravan  to get warm and watch people pass by. 'Lets sing!' Came one voice, 'what shall we sing?'' ' Our God is a great big God!' So accompanied by only the rain a horde of voices started to  sing, it was followed by the proclaimers I would walk five hundred miles and then other songs they had learnt at holiday bible clubs 'go go bartimaus go!' Cheers rang out for people braving the rain and heading down to the main stages smiles on their wet faces as everyone in the caravan cheered them on, unaware that they were passing the warmth from the cramped caravan to the people walking (or jogging) passed. I still felt tired and unwell, but a feeling of contentment washed over me.
Music also brings people together, I stepped in with a small group of young people to a workshop at Greenbelt with the same group of drummers I had seen in May at BCDO and immediately got a massive hug from one of the members and a 'it's you!!! You said you were coming how great to see you!' Even before the session had started I felt loved, welcomed, and unique. I felt better coming out as the young people had a great time too!

Write down the details of how you would stimulate the imagination of a congregation on Palm Sunday this year.

I've been doing a lot of front of house things this year, leading rather than simply being led. And music is a big part of my life (even writing this I have my music playing softly) I think music is the way I tend to worship more than anything. I'm not keen on singing when the music isn't working (due to a track playing too fast or a mistake by an organist) and it does annoy me when things go wrong, or a song doesn't fit. There have been times during worship that the only thing I have wanted to do is sing and find that I don't listen to the sermon much, sometimes I go and the songs don't hit me at all.

During Palm Sunday this year I have no idea what I would do in the rest of the service but I know what piece of music I would use for people to listen to.

Come, O Come, Emmanuel - Casting crowns

www.youtube.com/watch?v=roy3Ft6Fvbk


The song to me isn't just for Christmas. It's sorrowful but beautiful. Palm Sunday is about Jesus entering Jerusalem. His almost last stop on his three year whirlwind ministry.  We know later on he begs his father not to be given this task and if there is another way his task can be done, so surely now on his journey down to Jerusalem there will be that feeling of fear, of tiredness and sadness. There is frustration too and anger to come when he enters the temple and sees the money changers the sellers of sacrificial offerings and I think this instrumental version captures all of it. starting with that slow ride down to Jerusalem. I think it's a good piece that reminds us that even though people are around him (or indeed ourselves) praising and shouting hallelujah, it's easy to feel sad and alone and scared on the inside. I would ask the congregation to picture the journey down into the city as if they are watching from a place very close to Jesus. If I had the time I might try and make a video with images from the passion or just images I feel represent his emotional state at that time.


Trish. XxX