Just because I haven't posted.....

Doesn't mean i haven't typed anything! I've been away for a little while but I've had a lot of busy tough days some happy some sad, here is something I bashed out on a sad night, but it was all perfectly alright in the morning.

 'Sometimes days can go well, weeks can go well and years an go well. Other times the total reverse Is true. 

In my nan's only calendars, she used to write on the Good Year or Bad Year normally according to the tragedies that had happened. If a lot of close friends had passed away it would more than often be classed as a bad year but if a lot of people had been born or wedded then it would be good. But just as one bad day doesn't make a bad week, one bad event doesn't make a bad year.

Today, my nan would class as a bad day. It's been full of memories and Ghosts from my past. It's been a awful day. But really it could have been worse.

Yesterday too would have been classed as a not so brilliant day, but does that mean I am having a bad week? 

Some people think that there is a natural balance in the world, karma. That good things happen if you do good and bad things happen if you do bad, maybe not immediately but at some point in your life. So what about people who do bad things all there lives and get great things? Or people who do good and get nothing but bad? 

Sometime life is life and whatever way you slice it things just happen. 

So back to today and yesterday. Today Louise's uncle has fallen ill (we now know with a possible urine infection) this morning was scary. It reminded me of when my mum as ill, it reminded me of all the things I can't control, but most of all it reminded me of the way I used to look after my nan. The Lord God knows I miss her. 

I've blogged before about my nan. And it's been over a year since she left. There were happy times yes but I know that looking after someone who maybe is old and can't do all the things they used to is frustrating. So what do you do when it's not your relative?

Louise's uncle isn't my uncle. He would probably be more embarrassed by my help than by Mary his sister in laws Louise's, or even Robs. 

I am not a total stranger, but I am not a close friend either. So how come when it comes to helping people like that or people in general I can normally come to a good healthy outcome?

Care for others is a service, you have to completely forget about yourself and how tired you are, how hungry you are or how ill you might be. And focus on the other person completely. 

Caring for others is tiering, rewarding and heartbreaking.

I don't have anyone to share this with. I don't have a partner a boyfriend or a husband. And today I find yell needing one. Tonight I am going to hug a pillow instead of an arm. Tonight I will cry and hurt because I was scared today, I was scared last night.

What I have is God.

This should be enough.

Some nights it's not, those nights will be tonight. 

So why on a night when all this can be avoided all this can be one existent do I find my two best friends arguing, yes they are tired. Yes they may well be upset, and yes that's the way they are. But is makes me feel so much worse. 

I couldn't lie in a bed with someone becide me that I could hug and have them turn from me because I said something spiteful. 

I'd rather be in an empty bed with no one to hug. 

But what if I can't see that I was saying something nasty, what if that's the way I am and I think there being childish? What if they are being childish?! 

What if the person I'm with is just as frayed and just as battered as I am?

Fears of The Wolf

Hello! People of the blogosphere!

So I have exciting news! (Well it's exciting for me okay!!!!)

One of my best friends, has FINALLY read my book!

For those of you who don't know I have written a book.... I've written a book!

It's called Fears of the Wolf.  (I know it's an epic name!)

But ever since she stared reading it a remarkable thing happened or started happening, she passed it on. Now people at her work and church are reading it and in my mind its exploded. My big brother (who's not my brother really but might as well be! I'll explain this later!) was the first one to read it two years ago, and that gave me so much confidence. It's a long way to be published yet but it's strange to think I now have fans!  This is one of my biggest dreams so Rob? Louise? Really really thank you! You have no clue how happy you've made me :)

Okay less of the soppy stuff!

Local Preachers training update time!

After doing seven? weeks with my mentor and other On note LP it's going okay. We were snowed off on Palm Sunday which was disappointing as I really wanted to do the service, but we made up for it this Sunday.

I'm still nervous scared and panicky, along with doubtful shaky and then full of adrenaline. But after the service I normally feel better. I'm nothing like as scared of this as I was doing my driving test. What worries me the most however, is how I feel in-between everything. I feel nothing. Just sort of empty. And I don't know what that means or if its to do with something totally different.

But now we start working through our folder of Faith and worship sessions. I'm hoping by the end of the 'On Note' section I'll have an answer fixed firmly in my head and I'll know if I'm heading up the mountain or skirting off along the sides... Who knows!

I'm grateful for any advice or prayers.  And I will try and blog more! Maybe I should have taken up blogging everyday for lent! Right! Maybe that's what I'll do next year!

Time for a sleep!

God Bless you all. XxX

Love The Occasional Trish.

Nervous start

Okay so I got thinking the other night about how everything is going right now with local preaching and I meant to post it but didnt, so below is what I had written and even though I don't (always)think like that this is how I was feeling and thinking.

'It was simple when I was younger. I hadn't a clue where I was going and didn't worry about how I was going to live I just trusted I was on the right path. Now I know where I'm headed I'm scared. It appears  that somewhere along the path I've dropped my trust and started to panic instead. And now instead of standing on the waves I'm sinking. But why am I so worried when I've reached where I was heading. Shouldn't I be taking my saviours hand and saying 'okay that was a fun journey, all along the flats, thank you for leading me to the top of this little hill, ooh look at that mountain is that where were going? Brilliant you know the path well, I'll follow where you lead.' Instead I'm thinking of lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) and it's worrying me. Everything I've been shown in the flat has prepared me for the mountain and okay maybe I'll find myself skirting round the outside only going halfway up but if I do that it will be because I need to. Not coz I want to. I hope. 

I'm reminded of a event while on holiday, my friends mum was worried it was going to rain while we were on our way to a city I ( thought I) knew well. And I remember saying to her 'don't worry you see those mountains? The rain will be pulled towards them and we should stay dry.'

'Mountains don't do that!' She replied they live on a lovey flat plain. 

'I've lived round hills and mountains all my life I've seen it. Trust me, we'll stay dry.' 

And we did. So why can't I have that confidence here now. 

He'll not let me fall off the path, he'll guide me and be my light in the dark. So all I have to do is follow. It's a lot harder than it looks'

So there you have it.... Now lets head up that mountain! 

Long time no blogging/ my homework

I've been doing a worship leaders course this year, but at the same time our house has been getting redecorated so I haven't been able to post a blog post until now! So happy new year! Happy Chinese New Year and pancake day and valentines day! (And birthday if I missed it!)  below I have copied my homework for the fifth session we did on music. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing it! Oh and there will be Another post today as well! XxX

Write a description of each of the different ways you have experienced music in a variety of acts of worship over the last twelve months..How did each musical experience affect your mood? what impact did it have on you?

'I'm not one to put my hands up in the air and jump about bro, but I can't wait to see casting crowns at big church day out'
Now why did I say that? I was standing in a muddy field (or what I thought was muddy until August) in May 2012  my hands in the air leaping like a little fish praising and praying with every part of my soul. Yes it wasn't something I normally did, but this was my holiday, as I would be 'working' at Greenbelt. Yes it was raining so hard there was not a dry place on me and yes it was hard to see because my glasses were steaming up but had God looked down on that scene then and saw the packs of people leaping and praising his name his grin must have been from ear to ear.
'I thought you said you didn't normally put your hand up in the Air and jump about?' My big brother said a teasing smile playing on his lips.
'Lets get to the front' I replied 'crown is on in a bit and I want to see.' As with every concert tall  people kept blocking my view.

I felt alive. Wet. But warm (from all the jumping!) and happy which made a change from the other  part of the day when I had lost my autograph book. (A group of drummers had helped me not to feel so bad and Rob had said I would definitely  find it again. (Faith in him much stronger than mine at the time) we had found it just as rob had said 'you'll see you'll turn around and it will be right...' And there it was on a table almost as if it had been waiting for me.

The rain after the main acts had finished came down heavier, but I was determined to stay till the last light on the stage went out.
The rain turned icy as the tempo slowed and lightning flashed in the sky. One single spot light was left on stage, one Lone presenter. And we started to sing one song as one voice.
Amazing grace.
Tears and feelings almost indescribable to me pop up even when I think about it now but then, the feeling was electric. Tears mingled with the rain as I thought of the last time I had sung it with rob, it was one of his mums favourites. Chocked up I could hardly sing the descant so I didn't bother.  I closed my eyes and listened to the voices around me. It will stay with me always, that one moment. Part of me can't wait to go back the other part is praying hard for better weather when I do!

Then skip backward to February, when my year was starting to be one of the best I could imagine. 'You'll lead worship won't you trish?' And I'd said yes thinking only of the music.  Forty young people singing one of my favourite songs by hill song the words to going in a church I had only been in once, yes the microphone to start had made no difference to my tiny voice (lesson learnt use lapel mikes!) but the young people singing. The tune was simple and the words effective but this time I was leading people they were worshiping with me I was guiding them and even though my nervousness made me unable to feel anything when I lay ready to sleep from an exhausting day I was smiling still nervous somehow but happy I had done my best.

I feel at my best when I play my guitar, and when I sing I find it makes me feel happy when I'm sad or if I need to be to think about things sad when I'm happy, so when I found I was stuck for a song to play during a session at y7up I was surprised. Finding music that speaks isn't normally hard for me. But what I found at the 11th hour was challenging.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is keep your own emotions at bay as you sing 'by your side' by tenth avenue north had rang in my mind and reminded me that yes even if I felt alone and sad that God Jesus and the Holy Spirit were always with me, and I was loved. The song made my stomach feel tight and I felt lost in the words, finding myself somewhere else while playing would be easy, but instead I decided to try to BE someone else. There are times when you know who the song is supposed to be coming from. This time it was Jesus and God. in first person. I went somewhere else and let them play and sing it through me.

August saw green belt arrive. It saw me really quite unwell due to my colitis playing up, and low iron levels and tablets that made me feel terrible. The weather didn't help. It was less wet than BCDO but muddy and my worn down tiredness made it feel worse. So as it hammered down one day, 16 plus young people and a handful of leaders crammed themselves into a two man caravan  to get warm and watch people pass by. 'Lets sing!' Came one voice, 'what shall we sing?'' ' Our God is a great big God!' So accompanied by only the rain a horde of voices started to  sing, it was followed by the proclaimers I would walk five hundred miles and then other songs they had learnt at holiday bible clubs 'go go bartimaus go!' Cheers rang out for people braving the rain and heading down to the main stages smiles on their wet faces as everyone in the caravan cheered them on, unaware that they were passing the warmth from the cramped caravan to the people walking (or jogging) passed. I still felt tired and unwell, but a feeling of contentment washed over me.
Music also brings people together, I stepped in with a small group of young people to a workshop at Greenbelt with the same group of drummers I had seen in May at BCDO and immediately got a massive hug from one of the members and a 'it's you!!! You said you were coming how great to see you!' Even before the session had started I felt loved, welcomed, and unique. I felt better coming out as the young people had a great time too!

Write down the details of how you would stimulate the imagination of a congregation on Palm Sunday this year.

I've been doing a lot of front of house things this year, leading rather than simply being led. And music is a big part of my life (even writing this I have my music playing softly) I think music is the way I tend to worship more than anything. I'm not keen on singing when the music isn't working (due to a track playing too fast or a mistake by an organist) and it does annoy me when things go wrong, or a song doesn't fit. There have been times during worship that the only thing I have wanted to do is sing and find that I don't listen to the sermon much, sometimes I go and the songs don't hit me at all.

During Palm Sunday this year I have no idea what I would do in the rest of the service but I know what piece of music I would use for people to listen to.

Come, O Come, Emmanuel - Casting crowns

www.youtube.com/watch?v=roy3Ft6Fvbk


The song to me isn't just for Christmas. It's sorrowful but beautiful. Palm Sunday is about Jesus entering Jerusalem. His almost last stop on his three year whirlwind ministry.  We know later on he begs his father not to be given this task and if there is another way his task can be done, so surely now on his journey down to Jerusalem there will be that feeling of fear, of tiredness and sadness. There is frustration too and anger to come when he enters the temple and sees the money changers the sellers of sacrificial offerings and I think this instrumental version captures all of it. starting with that slow ride down to Jerusalem. I think it's a good piece that reminds us that even though people are around him (or indeed ourselves) praising and shouting hallelujah, it's easy to feel sad and alone and scared on the inside. I would ask the congregation to picture the journey down into the city as if they are watching from a place very close to Jesus. If I had the time I might try and make a video with images from the passion or just images I feel represent his emotional state at that time.


Trish. XxX

Happy New Year, Nearly!

Wow it's been too long since I posted on here! I'm Twenty five now! Old! Well not that old but sometimes it feels like it. In all honesty this is not a planned Blog. That will be obvious. The end of this year has seen me ill which is my main reason for not posting.  So many people i know are happy that this year is ending and in all honesty I'm with them, not for me but for them.

So what will 2013 have in store for us?

Who Knows! I'm going to stop here and post next year.. i mean tomorrow! Well both!

So for those reading and thinking 'Oh she posted!' I'm sorry it's so short! but Happy New Year!.

God Bless you all. XxX

Fuel for thought

So I've spent the weekend at the wonderful 3generate youth conference in lychfield Nine young people, and four adults headed down on the Friday and came home on the Sunday afternoon in a mini bus and one car. (mine!)

I'm not the worlds best confident driver but I like to try and get better, the thing is I don't like driving places I don't know, but I'm learning.

This weekend not only did my sat nav send me round in circles (round places I did know!) for a hour! but I had another of my 'fuel' encounters. More of that later!

This was 3 gen last year. We only took five young people, and I earned the nickname 'Nana Trish' (if you ask i'll tell the story!) But this year taking nine was brilliant! Vicky and I after dropping off the two young people I was taking, headed off to a lovely premier inn for the Workers event. (the other two adults went to a B and B) It was really good and brilliant to find more people in the same position we were in. It was nice to be away from my home situation too.

So for my fuel story!

Call me lazy, call me lucky! But my car is very good for diesel and mileage, and I don't have to fill it up that often as (lucky me!) my dad does it as I drive him a lot of places.

So I must have filled my car up only a handful of times... Maybe just over???

So the first time i filled up my car i got 'bing bonged' meaning the guy on the till had to tell me off using the tannoy system...

I wasn't aware that the pump had to be authorised and then set to Zero AFTER the patron put the pump into the car.... oppps!
'Would pump number eleven please put the pump in her car!' (in tannoy speak! please repeat with your thump and forefinger pinching your nose!)

Mistake number one!
Mistake number two??

okay so hello supermarket petrol station!

One, make sure I've picked up the Diesel pump, check!
Two, don't wave the pump in the air just put it right in the car... Check!
... why isn't it going???
*Que tannoy person!*
'Would pump number eleven please select payment method!?*
What?! oh... click pay at kiosk of pay with card... Check!
turn bright red from people staring at you and bite bottom lip in embarrassment... check!

Mistake number three!Okay so maybe not a mistake but maybe sort of my fault.... ermmm...

RIGHT! get to none supermarket petrol station! (no pesky pay at kiosk buttons to push!)
two open petrol cap....
two open petrol cap....
Two.. open...
Why won't it open!!!!
Okay let me talk you through what i did when i got out of the car.
one get out and lock the car two try to open the petrol cap can't...So then i decided to try and unlock the car!
... it still wouldn't open.....
So I glanced round and saw a nice respectable looking guy getting out to fill his car up.
swallowing the redness in my face I started to say 'excuse me?' but he'd already gone into the shop... :(
when he came back!
'Excuse me? I can't get my petrol cap open...'
Luckily this man came equipped with a tool kit and got my cap open leaving me still mortified but at least I could fill up my car and I wasn't 'Bing bonged'


So! happy filling up your car! And If you meet any Methodists (or 3geners!) say hello were all lovely! :)


God bless you.

XxX

Walls, Gates and getting locked out.

Sometimes in Life certain things get thrown at you that you have to just deal with. About six weeks ago my dad was taken ill and I've had to step up and fill his size ten shoes with my size nine ones. There is a little bit of wiggle room!

With most of my family member being ill most of the time, my dad is normally the one person all of us can rely on, to be fine well and healthy. I know I'm being a little moany right now and most people will be thinking 'oh boo hoo the poor little girl has had to grow up' or something similar which is fine with me because that's what my head is saying too. But it's not that simple. For years and years with me being ill so young I have always though I'm slightly more grown up than I should be. Maybe I'm doing fine, I don't know.

So the title of this blog may have been slightly misleading but that's how I feel I feel like I've got lots of walls in my way that I have to climb over and then a pile of gates that I have to tunnel under and then when I finally get to the door it's locked and there's no way in.

One of the gates is my mother. We have an unfortunate habit of being able to get on each others nerves effortlessly,  but when my dad had to go into hospital I think I managed to get passed that gate at least for a little while. Tomorrow I have work and i get to teach a girl to play guitar so maybe that will help my current low mood.
One think I haven't mentioned is the ropes that keep coming over those walls and hauling me up I don't think I could have coped without my friends and my church family. So before I finish this little moan I just want to say. Thank you.